Reflections on Eden

Okay, so I am currently reading the book Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. There is a chapter in there talking about the essentially of nakedness. He talked about the time that Adam spent in the garden, over 100 years, being naked and unashamed. In fact, in about 100 words, Moses mentions five times that Adam, and subsequently Eve, were naked before the full glory of God. They lacked nothing. They feared nothing. Nothing had ever gone wrong in their lives. They lived in paradise, and not the very limited view of Eden that modern church-goers imagine. So, I was inspired to try to illustrate a day in the life of Adam, before the Fall, even before Eve. Here we go:

He awoke to the morning sun, rising and lighting the endless fields before him. He yawned and surveyed the expanse of prairie grasses, greeted by the cry of a hawk overhead, flying free, without care or need. Many yards away, lumbering beasts picked at the tall grass as they walked towards the west. The man sat in awe of the creatures because he had never seen them before. He watched intently as each animal continued on in search of the ripest blades of grass.

As he sat, observing these great beasts, every bit as tall as himself, his mind began to wonder, if only for a moment. Quickly though, upon seeing the close family groups within the massive heard, he concluded that this beast was no more fit fill his loneliness than any previous animals he had seen.

After a few minutes of observation, the man stood and was about to begin walking after the herd, until the smallest, youngest animal among them began to edge it's way towards him. He stood frozen, watching a still unsteady child meander up the small incline on which he stood. He knelt down extending his hand to his soft-muzzled companion. His heart was filled with a simple yet overwhelming joy, as he ran his hands through the rough mane of the young beast. The man smiled and looked up to Heaven, and in a loud voice proclaimed: "Buffalo."

The little buffalo turned around and kicked up it's feet and ran back to his herd in jubilee. Assimilated back into the group, all was well with the world again, until the man would encounter yet another never-before-seen animal. He then, stood back up and began his westbound walk. As he began his journey, the glory of God descended to walk alongside the man.

"Another fine name, Adam: Buffalo," God smiled in approval. "I like it."

Adam's heart was filled with joy, yet again. For him, nothing was more satisfying than walking with his Father.


Okay, yeah, it was written fast, and I'm sure it can and will be improved. But, I just had to write that down. I mean, imagine for a moment how awesome it must be to be able to stand in the full glory of God with no insecurities, no fear, no sense of self. Wow!

Expectations

Expectations. We all have them. We place them on ourselves and others, and others place them on us. It was during my first year of college that I realized that my entire life up to that point had been governed by others' expectations of me. For example, even though I was told from a young age "you can have whatever job you want when you grow up," what I was really being told was: "you can have any job you want as long as you make six figures a year, have a college degree, and don't have children." It's a far cry from the encouraging bullshit we all get fed as youngsters. I am just personally amazed that I fell for it for so long, mostly because I have always been told that I am quite intelligent and insightful; gullible was absent from the list.

Of course people who manipulate others' lives, even unintentionally, never want to let the victim know that they are being manipulated; because once the oppressed knows of the oppression, the oppressor loses their power. It is truly amazing how ingrained this simple oppressive force is in our everyday lives. The worse for utilizing this dominating force is elders in one's family. They always say that they have the best of intentions in mind, and often, yes, they do. However, the dialogue between human and human is instantly altered once it occurs between younger and older blood. The older wants to look out for and help the younger, while the younger just wants to learn life's lessons on their own. Truth be told, they won't retain many lessons until they learn them themselves anyway. Sad, isn't it? Anyway, time for a personal application.

As I stated earlier, up until now I have allowed my life to be run by others' expectations of me. I never realized that the primary reason I scored well in school was because I was told to; I got a job because I was told to; I acted like "the good girl" because I was told to; I even applied for college because I was told to. And most recently, I have "visited" members of my family more often this summer than an prior, because I have been told to. Truth be told, I'm sick of being told what to do with my life, especially by people who aren't living it! I mean, really! A stranger cannot tell one what to do, an acquaintance cannot tell one what do, and no more right does a family member have to tell one what to do. I am tired. I am tired of trying to please people who cannot be pleased. I am tired of trying to live up to expectation that I cannot met. I am tired.

My mind is weary. My spirit hangs by a thread. I am officially warn out, and I don't want to go on like this any more. I can't keep living a life that's not mine, defending a person who I don't know. It's no wonder why I have identity issues. I don't know who I am. How many lives am I forced to try to live out? With so many people I am obligated to try to be, which one is the real me? I don't even know who I am, what I want. And now I am just beginning to find the real me, somewhere deep inside this locked heart of mine. All I want, is to finally be me, and it seems like that's the one thing I cannot have.

Such is life, I suppose. I just want to be the typical teenager; I want to declare my independence, be my own person, live my own life, on my own. Sometimes, I guess that that is too much to ask. I don't even know anymore.