Reading through the four gospels and the book of Acts, I have become amazed. Amazed at the life of Christ and His disciples. For the first time ever, I actually listened to the words of the Lord, and now I understand, at least more than I ever have before, the enormity of God's love for His Creation. And, I have also concluded, as I read in Crazy Love, by Francis Chan (see www.crazylovebook.com) that if one is a follower of Christ, a true Christian, then there in no such option as being "lukewarm." Being a Christian, having a relationship with the living God, falling in love with the lover of our souls, means having a raging fire in our hearts. It's looking at stories of what the world calls "radicals," the men who died for their faith, and seeing a nation truly committed to living out their love for a God who gave up His throne, and lived out a mortal life for us, His beautiful Creation gone awry.
Love is powerful, that's the way it was designed. There is a saying that goes something like: you always to crazy things when you're in love. I mean, when you love someone, truly love them, you can't stop thinking about them. All you want to do is spend time with them; you go out of your way to lavish your feelings on them. Why do we treat our relationship any differently? It is neither right nor fair. Think about all God has done for us. He created the whole Earth, and everything in it: all creatures, all life, every cell in our bodies. He has done more for us that any person could ever do. He has lavished a love beyond our very comprehension, a love we cannot possibly repay. Why are we so hesitant to attempt to spend our love on Him? Really?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Passing Inspiration: 8
"Where would I turn without You?
You always know the right direction
And what would I know without You?
You answer all the toughest questions
I, all that I can say
I need You, I need You everyday
One step away from breaking down
10 minutes late and I’m totally falling down
And it’s so plain to see
I’m my own worst enemy
One more day and I’ll get it right
I’m a trip, I’m a mess and I’m crying on the inside
That’s why it feels so good to say
That you’re only a prayer away
Who would I trust without You?
You’re the only one that gets me
How would I live without You?
I never will so don’t even ask me
I, all that I can say
I need You, I need You everyday
I know that life won’t always be rainbows
I know I can count on You
And You will see me through"
You always know the right direction
And what would I know without You?
You answer all the toughest questions
I, all that I can say
I need You, I need You everyday
One step away from breaking down
10 minutes late and I’m totally falling down
And it’s so plain to see
I’m my own worst enemy
One more day and I’ll get it right
I’m a trip, I’m a mess and I’m crying on the inside
That’s why it feels so good to say
That you’re only a prayer away
Who would I trust without You?
You’re the only one that gets me
How would I live without You?
I never will so don’t even ask me
I, all that I can say
I need You, I need You everyday
I know that life won’t always be rainbows
I know I can count on You
And You will see me through"
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Reflections on Eden
Okay, so I am currently reading the book Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. There is a chapter in there talking about the essentially of nakedness. He talked about the time that Adam spent in the garden, over 100 years, being naked and unashamed. In fact, in about 100 words, Moses mentions five times that Adam, and subsequently Eve, were naked before the full glory of God. They lacked nothing. They feared nothing. Nothing had ever gone wrong in their lives. They lived in paradise, and not the very limited view of Eden that modern church-goers imagine. So, I was inspired to try to illustrate a day in the life of Adam, before the Fall, even before Eve. Here we go:
He awoke to the morning sun, rising and lighting the endless fields before him. He yawned and surveyed the expanse of prairie grasses, greeted by the cry of a hawk overhead, flying free, without care or need. Many yards away, lumbering beasts picked at the tall grass as they walked towards the west. The man sat in awe of the creatures because he had never seen them before. He watched intently as each animal continued on in search of the ripest blades of grass.
As he sat, observing these great beasts, every bit as tall as himself, his mind began to wonder, if only for a moment. Quickly though, upon seeing the close family groups within the massive heard, he concluded that this beast was no more fit fill his loneliness than any previous animals he had seen.
After a few minutes of observation, the man stood and was about to begin walking after the herd, until the smallest, youngest animal among them began to edge it's way towards him. He stood frozen, watching a still unsteady child meander up the small incline on which he stood. He knelt down extending his hand to his soft-muzzled companion. His heart was filled with a simple yet overwhelming joy, as he ran his hands through the rough mane of the young beast. The man smiled and looked up to Heaven, and in a loud voice proclaimed: "Buffalo."
The little buffalo turned around and kicked up it's feet and ran back to his herd in jubilee. Assimilated back into the group, all was well with the world again, until the man would encounter yet another never-before-seen animal. He then, stood back up and began his westbound walk. As he began his journey, the glory of God descended to walk alongside the man.
"Another fine name, Adam: Buffalo," God smiled in approval. "I like it."
Adam's heart was filled with joy, yet again. For him, nothing was more satisfying than walking with his Father.
Okay, yeah, it was written fast, and I'm sure it can and will be improved. But, I just had to write that down. I mean, imagine for a moment how awesome it must be to be able to stand in the full glory of God with no insecurities, no fear, no sense of self. Wow!
He awoke to the morning sun, rising and lighting the endless fields before him. He yawned and surveyed the expanse of prairie grasses, greeted by the cry of a hawk overhead, flying free, without care or need. Many yards away, lumbering beasts picked at the tall grass as they walked towards the west. The man sat in awe of the creatures because he had never seen them before. He watched intently as each animal continued on in search of the ripest blades of grass.
As he sat, observing these great beasts, every bit as tall as himself, his mind began to wonder, if only for a moment. Quickly though, upon seeing the close family groups within the massive heard, he concluded that this beast was no more fit fill his loneliness than any previous animals he had seen.
After a few minutes of observation, the man stood and was about to begin walking after the herd, until the smallest, youngest animal among them began to edge it's way towards him. He stood frozen, watching a still unsteady child meander up the small incline on which he stood. He knelt down extending his hand to his soft-muzzled companion. His heart was filled with a simple yet overwhelming joy, as he ran his hands through the rough mane of the young beast. The man smiled and looked up to Heaven, and in a loud voice proclaimed: "Buffalo."
The little buffalo turned around and kicked up it's feet and ran back to his herd in jubilee. Assimilated back into the group, all was well with the world again, until the man would encounter yet another never-before-seen animal. He then, stood back up and began his westbound walk. As he began his journey, the glory of God descended to walk alongside the man.
"Another fine name, Adam: Buffalo," God smiled in approval. "I like it."
Adam's heart was filled with joy, yet again. For him, nothing was more satisfying than walking with his Father.
Okay, yeah, it was written fast, and I'm sure it can and will be improved. But, I just had to write that down. I mean, imagine for a moment how awesome it must be to be able to stand in the full glory of God with no insecurities, no fear, no sense of self. Wow!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Long trips and Turn Arounds
I have been under mounds of stress lately, dealing with trying to determine who I really am and living under familial rule. At the urging of of a close friend, I began seeing a counselor, which I have not yet regretted. I had been feeling much better, emotionally stable for a few days; that was, sadly, only for a few days.
Finally trying to sit back and do things for myself as opposed to doing things primarily to live up to others' expectations, I asked a friend if I could visit for a few days. She told me the best time, and I told her that I would be there. So, I waited for the perfect time, packed up and started driving. 40 miles north of home, I got caught in the most horrible construction traffic. So, at a dead stop, I texted my friend telling her that it was going to be a while before I could get out to her, to which she replied that she had double booked herself, and forgot to let me know. So, 50 miles away from home, I turned around and drove back.
Filled with inner turmoil about wanting to be mad at my friend but knowing it was an honest mistake, I became furious with myself for being upset with my friend. Before I knew it, I was spiraling downward into the pit of depression that I have grown so very fond of. I was mad at the world, and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt somehow vindicated by my anger and cried for a few hours, after punching a hole through one of my bedroom walls.
Later that night, I talked with another friend, via the internet, about the difference between self-control and self-awareness. There is such a thing as being hyper aware of one's self, yet to an extent, lacking self-control. It is a scary place, much like being awake during surgery without the ability to talk or move any limbs. Indeed, during these events, like many prior, I felt as though I were watching the scene play out in third person without being able to truly interact with the actress. This realization depressed me further. Until the last friend told me that focusing on my reaction as such did prove a measure of self-centeredness in my life. Which, once pointed out, I knew was true. Breaking this habit though, is and will continue to prove to be quite difficult.
So, in turn, I am praying that God helps me to overcome this stumbling block and help me see the world as being about God, and not centering around myself.
Finally trying to sit back and do things for myself as opposed to doing things primarily to live up to others' expectations, I asked a friend if I could visit for a few days. She told me the best time, and I told her that I would be there. So, I waited for the perfect time, packed up and started driving. 40 miles north of home, I got caught in the most horrible construction traffic. So, at a dead stop, I texted my friend telling her that it was going to be a while before I could get out to her, to which she replied that she had double booked herself, and forgot to let me know. So, 50 miles away from home, I turned around and drove back.
Filled with inner turmoil about wanting to be mad at my friend but knowing it was an honest mistake, I became furious with myself for being upset with my friend. Before I knew it, I was spiraling downward into the pit of depression that I have grown so very fond of. I was mad at the world, and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt somehow vindicated by my anger and cried for a few hours, after punching a hole through one of my bedroom walls.
Later that night, I talked with another friend, via the internet, about the difference between self-control and self-awareness. There is such a thing as being hyper aware of one's self, yet to an extent, lacking self-control. It is a scary place, much like being awake during surgery without the ability to talk or move any limbs. Indeed, during these events, like many prior, I felt as though I were watching the scene play out in third person without being able to truly interact with the actress. This realization depressed me further. Until the last friend told me that focusing on my reaction as such did prove a measure of self-centeredness in my life. Which, once pointed out, I knew was true. Breaking this habit though, is and will continue to prove to be quite difficult.
So, in turn, I am praying that God helps me to overcome this stumbling block and help me see the world as being about God, and not centering around myself.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Ashes of Eden
So cold.
So quiet, now
No birds sing,
No crickets chirp.
The leaves are falling.
The grass is browning.
Life is waning,
Yet we remain.
You and I
Stand, huddled around
A broken fire,
Burning the ashes of Eden.
So quiet, now
No birds sing,
No crickets chirp.
The leaves are falling.
The grass is browning.
Life is waning,
Yet we remain.
You and I
Stand, huddled around
A broken fire,
Burning the ashes of Eden.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Passing Inspiration: 7
"I wanna start it over
I wanna start again
I want a new a new beginning
One without any end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful
I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful
It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away--Father
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
It's the love between you and I
Something beautiful"
I wanna start again
I want a new a new beginning
One without any end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful
I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Something's beautiful
It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away--Father
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
It's the love between you and I
Something beautiful"
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Crazy Love
I am currently finishing reading the book Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. Throughout this reading, I feel as though I have been personally challenged to change the way I live. Mostly (and this is personal) in the area of generosity. I think that God has convicted my heart because I am not a generous person, and thus I want to change. I know that God has allowed me to experience life in a unique way, a set of experiences that no one else has exactly. God has placed in my hands specific tools to do a specific work with. No one else can do the job that I was made for; no one else can connect with the people like I can in the encounters that He has planned in my life.
And every individual has a unique, God-given set of life-tools that only they can wield. Imagine what life would be like if every individual actually lived out their life, not to their fullest, but to God’s fullest. News flash: God can do more with your life than you ever could on your own. Imagine actually being able to see through God’s eyes, naturally loving every person with all your heart, without a second thought. How amazing would that be?
So, from here on out, I have decided to take a step of faith. Along with my regular tithe, I am going to give more freely on a daily basis. Whether it is a dollar to a stranger at the gas pump, or the person behind me in the restaurant, it does not even matter. God blesses what we give, not only to whom we give it, but the givers as well. I don’t know about you, but I need more God in my life. I need more crazy love, more awesome power, more Jesus in my daily life.
So, what are you going to do?
And every individual has a unique, God-given set of life-tools that only they can wield. Imagine what life would be like if every individual actually lived out their life, not to their fullest, but to God’s fullest. News flash: God can do more with your life than you ever could on your own. Imagine actually being able to see through God’s eyes, naturally loving every person with all your heart, without a second thought. How amazing would that be?
So, from here on out, I have decided to take a step of faith. Along with my regular tithe, I am going to give more freely on a daily basis. Whether it is a dollar to a stranger at the gas pump, or the person behind me in the restaurant, it does not even matter. God blesses what we give, not only to whom we give it, but the givers as well. I don’t know about you, but I need more God in my life. I need more crazy love, more awesome power, more Jesus in my daily life.
So, what are you going to do?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Faith, by Jesus
I was told this story once. It begins with the common knowledge that sermons are often borrowed and reused, rather than a preacher always writing their own "new" material. One preacher in particular decided that he was just going to get a copy of a particular sermon and read it verbatim to his congregation. Now, during his sermon, one particular church member thought that this message sounded awfully familiar, but he could not place where he had heard it before. After the preacher finished and the service was concluded, the man asked the preacher where he got his material from that morning. The preacher opened his Bible and pointed to Jesus' sermon on the mount.
I think it is amazing how little "Christians" actually know about what Jesus taught while he was here on Earth. We all know about his miracles. I would be willing to bet that any regular church goer could list off at least three of Jesus' miracles without much thought. How many though, could tell you what Jesus thought about politics, history, people in general? What did Jesus say about the Law of Moses? Etc. Etc. Etc. . .
All this makes me wonder why when people claim to have a relationship with the living God, the God of the Universe, who walked through the pages of the Bible, they will not even take time out of their day to read what He actually said. In a way, it sickens me. I think that it is detestable to claim that you love God and have a relationship with Jesus Christ and have never once read for yourself what He, himself came all this way to teach us. I mean, really!
I think it is amazing how little "Christians" actually know about what Jesus taught while he was here on Earth. We all know about his miracles. I would be willing to bet that any regular church goer could list off at least three of Jesus' miracles without much thought. How many though, could tell you what Jesus thought about politics, history, people in general? What did Jesus say about the Law of Moses? Etc. Etc. Etc. . .
All this makes me wonder why when people claim to have a relationship with the living God, the God of the Universe, who walked through the pages of the Bible, they will not even take time out of their day to read what He actually said. In a way, it sickens me. I think that it is detestable to claim that you love God and have a relationship with Jesus Christ and have never once read for yourself what He, himself came all this way to teach us. I mean, really!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I am:
I am a human,
a child, a friend,
an adult, a student,
a servant, a Christian,
a horn player, an artist,
an observer,
a listener, a talker,
lonely, tired, confused,
exhausted, stressed out, prideful,
the person who acts like they have it all together,
a recovering self-harm addict,
the person who defines their life by what they do,
not who they are.
I am the person
who wants to leave a legacy,
who wants to proclaim freedom,
who needs helps finding direction,
who thinks too much,
and reads too far into things.
I am the person who
wants to draw closer to God,
but finds her sin an obstacle impossible to overcome,
even though she knows that she will cross on God's power,
and not her own.
I am the person
who knows the right answers,
but cannot understand them,
nor interpret, nor practice them.
a child, a friend,
an adult, a student,
a servant, a Christian,
a horn player, an artist,
an observer,
a listener, a talker,
lonely, tired, confused,
exhausted, stressed out, prideful,
the person who acts like they have it all together,
a recovering self-harm addict,
the person who defines their life by what they do,
not who they are.
I am the person
who wants to leave a legacy,
who wants to proclaim freedom,
who needs helps finding direction,
who thinks too much,
and reads too far into things.
I am the person who
wants to draw closer to God,
but finds her sin an obstacle impossible to overcome,
even though she knows that she will cross on God's power,
and not her own.
I am the person
who knows the right answers,
but cannot understand them,
nor interpret, nor practice them.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Passing Inspiration: 6
"Silence is golden but these are the words
That the world needs to hear
[brothers and sisters]
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near
But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear"
A lot of people take the word "love" for granted, especially the phrase "I love you." Have you ever taken time to sit back and realize what all that phrase really entails? Have you ever truly weighed the word "love?" What does it mean; what does it do to us? These are the words that the world, that we all, need to hear, because when spoken in truth, there are no more powerful words we can speak.
"Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
[brothers and sisters]
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal
I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what were feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if were willing, so...
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70s the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We cant allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there aint no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you
Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you""Silence is golden but these are the words
That the world needs to hear
[brothers and sisters]
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near
But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear"
A lot of people take the word "love" for granted, especially the phrase "I love you." Have you ever taken time to sit back and realize what all that phrase really entails? Have you ever truly weighed the word "love?" What does it mean; what does it do to us? These are the words that the world, that we all, need to hear, because when spoken in truth, there are no more powerful words we can speak.
"Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
[brothers and sisters]
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal
I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what were feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if were willing, so...
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70s the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We cant allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there aint no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you
Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you"
That the world needs to hear
[brothers and sisters]
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near
But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear"
A lot of people take the word "love" for granted, especially the phrase "I love you." Have you ever taken time to sit back and realize what all that phrase really entails? Have you ever truly weighed the word "love?" What does it mean; what does it do to us? These are the words that the world, that we all, need to hear, because when spoken in truth, there are no more powerful words we can speak.
"Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
[brothers and sisters]
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal
I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what were feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if were willing, so...
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70s the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We cant allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there aint no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you
Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you""Silence is golden but these are the words
That the world needs to hear
[brothers and sisters]
Terms of compassion will cause a reaction
As love drives them near
But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride
Pretending we are blind to the calling
This is my point and case, if hate can be erased
With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words, say the words, say I love you
Say the words I long to hear"
A lot of people take the word "love" for granted, especially the phrase "I love you." Have you ever taken time to sit back and realize what all that phrase really entails? Have you ever truly weighed the word "love?" What does it mean; what does it do to us? These are the words that the world, that we all, need to hear, because when spoken in truth, there are no more powerful words we can speak.
"Some just assume we already know
Of the love that they feel
[brothers and sisters]
Some have a heartfelt emotion
But never the words to reveal
I think we all relate, so why are we afraid
To let our hearts convey what were feeling?
There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed
And love can intercede if were willing, so...
The word love, well it was once overused
Back in the 70s the word was abused
But I refuse to let love be diluted
We cant allow physical lust to intrude it
Or pollute it cause there aint no excuse
For the greatest gift of all to be abused
So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you
Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you
Don't be afraid of the words I love you"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Breaking Down
So, I have a story okay? I'm sure some of you have heard it, but it bears recording, and also a close resemblance to my last post (the one about expectations). I was driving home from my grandparents' home this past Friday morning. While driving on a particularly long stretch of highway, my radio loses clears signal from all the local Christian radio stations. In fact, at this point in the journey, I have two options to listen to: talk radio or country. This particular day I was not interested in country and I've never been overly fond of talk radio. So, I made a decision, one that for me was quite odd at first.
I turned off the radio. Then, I tried to imagine that God was in the car with me, sitting right next to me, and we talked. It sounds weird, but it actually got rather comfortable. The reason that I wanted to sit down and talk with God had a lot to do with my plans for the future. I've been tossing around ideas about what I would like to do after graduation, which include things absolutely detested by my family. Specifically, I have been contemplating the idea of attempting to join the police force. My mother is against this because it is obviously dangerous, and I have yet to explain this to my grandparents, because the pay is barely over that of a beginning teacher. So, I determined that the person that I should really be talk to is not my mom, or my grandma, but my Father. We talked about earthly authorities, Paul's imprisonment, and worldly aspirations. It was indeed a most interesting conversation, in which I learned that I had no control over my own life.
Not that God had complete control of my life, but that I had freely given the reins to my family, whose intentions were good, but whose methods have caused me to lose my own identity in life. Now, I know that this sounds like an awfully big claim, but do realize that this is no exaggeration. God told me that I need to depend on Him for peace and rest, because I do continually run myself ragged. The past few weeks have been especially rough, and I have had little rest, little real rest. Because of all this running and so little soul rest, I found myself on the verge of a true breakdown just a few short hours later, on my way to work.
I felt the pang of knowledge that something in my life was most horribly wrong, yet I could not tell what is was nor how to solve it. I felt utterly powerless, and without time or place to turn to. Also, the need to dry my eyes before entering into my place of employment was eminent. So, as expertly as ever, I quickly and quietly stowed away my emotions and pain and went on in the world as if nothing we wrong.
The following day, I again found myself on the edge overlooking the cliffs losing everything that is myself and yet not myself. I was driving home from work, and off course, purposing passing my church. I needed a home, a sanctuary, a place that I knew I was wrapped in the arms of love. As a slap in the face, all eight doors into the church was locked from the inside. I sat in my Father's garden and wept at being a wounded prodigal denied peace. Somehow, though, in my tears it was made known to me that while I was suffering, there will eventually be peace, though I know not when.
I turned off the radio. Then, I tried to imagine that God was in the car with me, sitting right next to me, and we talked. It sounds weird, but it actually got rather comfortable. The reason that I wanted to sit down and talk with God had a lot to do with my plans for the future. I've been tossing around ideas about what I would like to do after graduation, which include things absolutely detested by my family. Specifically, I have been contemplating the idea of attempting to join the police force. My mother is against this because it is obviously dangerous, and I have yet to explain this to my grandparents, because the pay is barely over that of a beginning teacher. So, I determined that the person that I should really be talk to is not my mom, or my grandma, but my Father. We talked about earthly authorities, Paul's imprisonment, and worldly aspirations. It was indeed a most interesting conversation, in which I learned that I had no control over my own life.
Not that God had complete control of my life, but that I had freely given the reins to my family, whose intentions were good, but whose methods have caused me to lose my own identity in life. Now, I know that this sounds like an awfully big claim, but do realize that this is no exaggeration. God told me that I need to depend on Him for peace and rest, because I do continually run myself ragged. The past few weeks have been especially rough, and I have had little rest, little real rest. Because of all this running and so little soul rest, I found myself on the verge of a true breakdown just a few short hours later, on my way to work.
I felt the pang of knowledge that something in my life was most horribly wrong, yet I could not tell what is was nor how to solve it. I felt utterly powerless, and without time or place to turn to. Also, the need to dry my eyes before entering into my place of employment was eminent. So, as expertly as ever, I quickly and quietly stowed away my emotions and pain and went on in the world as if nothing we wrong.
The following day, I again found myself on the edge overlooking the cliffs losing everything that is myself and yet not myself. I was driving home from work, and off course, purposing passing my church. I needed a home, a sanctuary, a place that I knew I was wrapped in the arms of love. As a slap in the face, all eight doors into the church was locked from the inside. I sat in my Father's garden and wept at being a wounded prodigal denied peace. Somehow, though, in my tears it was made known to me that while I was suffering, there will eventually be peace, though I know not when.
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