Long trips and Turn Arounds

I have been under mounds of stress lately, dealing with trying to determine who I really am and living under familial rule. At the urging of of a close friend, I began seeing a counselor, which I have not yet regretted. I had been feeling much better, emotionally stable for a few days; that was, sadly, only for a few days.

Finally trying to sit back and do things for myself as opposed to doing things primarily to live up to others' expectations, I asked a friend if I could visit for a few days. She told me the best time, and I told her that I would be there. So, I waited for the perfect time, packed up and started driving. 40 miles north of home, I got caught in the most horrible construction traffic. So, at a dead stop, I texted my friend telling her that it was going to be a while before I could get out to her, to which she replied that she had double booked herself, and forgot to let me know. So, 50 miles away from home, I turned around and drove back.

Filled with inner turmoil about wanting to be mad at my friend but knowing it was an honest mistake, I became furious with myself for being upset with my friend. Before I knew it, I was spiraling downward into the pit of depression that I have grown so very fond of. I was mad at the world, and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt somehow vindicated by my anger and cried for a few hours, after punching a hole through one of my bedroom walls.

Later that night, I talked with another friend, via the internet, about the difference between self-control and self-awareness. There is such a thing as being hyper aware of one's self, yet to an extent, lacking self-control. It is a scary place, much like being awake during surgery without the ability to talk or move any limbs. Indeed, during these events, like many prior, I felt as though I were watching the scene play out in third person without being able to truly interact with the actress. This realization depressed me further. Until the last friend told me that focusing on my reaction as such did prove a measure of self-centeredness in my life. Which, once pointed out, I knew was true. Breaking this habit though, is and will continue to prove to be quite difficult.

So, in turn, I am praying that God helps me to overcome this stumbling block and help me see the world as being about God, and not centering around myself.