Lovesick Paranoia

Okay, I am going to start this post with a few anecdotes.  A friend of mine recently told me a story about how she thought someone was hitting on her and it freaked her out a bit.  Another friend told me of two incidents in which he thought two different people were hitting on him.  Yet a third friend of mine has a huge crush on this girl and is totally trying to drop hints.  Friend four recently started dating a guy she worked on a drama production with.  Friends five and six complain at times about their boyfriends being less than emotionally available.  Friend seven is in love with someone who can never return her feelings.  Friend eight cycles through boyfriends.  Friends nine and ten are dating, and then not, and then again.  And the list goes on.

And here I sit, listening to "Marry You" from the Glee episode "Furt" on YoutubeRepeat. 

Relationships are confusing beasts.  For some they offer excitement, for others they bring security.  Some think that they come filled with passion.  Some find them more subdued.  No two are the same, no two are entirely different.  But all of this "love in the air" gives me pause.  With everyone hitting on everyone else, why are some people left out?  I dislike throwing myself a pity party, but I have to wonder, why am I left out?  (I think it would be a bad thing to list negative qualities about myself here, so I won't.)

I think, at least at the moment, that it is somewhat because I have to wait for someone else to make the first move.  If someone were flirting with me, I honestly think it would go straight over my head.  So until then, I am getting sick of this lovesick paranoia. 

Long trips and Turn Arounds

I have been under mounds of stress lately, dealing with trying to determine who I really am and living under familial rule. At the urging of of a close friend, I began seeing a counselor, which I have not yet regretted. I had been feeling much better, emotionally stable for a few days; that was, sadly, only for a few days.

Finally trying to sit back and do things for myself as opposed to doing things primarily to live up to others' expectations, I asked a friend if I could visit for a few days. She told me the best time, and I told her that I would be there. So, I waited for the perfect time, packed up and started driving. 40 miles north of home, I got caught in the most horrible construction traffic. So, at a dead stop, I texted my friend telling her that it was going to be a while before I could get out to her, to which she replied that she had double booked herself, and forgot to let me know. So, 50 miles away from home, I turned around and drove back.

Filled with inner turmoil about wanting to be mad at my friend but knowing it was an honest mistake, I became furious with myself for being upset with my friend. Before I knew it, I was spiraling downward into the pit of depression that I have grown so very fond of. I was mad at the world, and I wanted it to stay that way. I felt somehow vindicated by my anger and cried for a few hours, after punching a hole through one of my bedroom walls.

Later that night, I talked with another friend, via the internet, about the difference between self-control and self-awareness. There is such a thing as being hyper aware of one's self, yet to an extent, lacking self-control. It is a scary place, much like being awake during surgery without the ability to talk or move any limbs. Indeed, during these events, like many prior, I felt as though I were watching the scene play out in third person without being able to truly interact with the actress. This realization depressed me further. Until the last friend told me that focusing on my reaction as such did prove a measure of self-centeredness in my life. Which, once pointed out, I knew was true. Breaking this habit though, is and will continue to prove to be quite difficult.

So, in turn, I am praying that God helps me to overcome this stumbling block and help me see the world as being about God, and not centering around myself.

Faith, by Jesus

I was told this story once. It begins with the common knowledge that sermons are often borrowed and reused, rather than a preacher always writing their own "new" material. One preacher in particular decided that he was just going to get a copy of a particular sermon and read it verbatim to his congregation. Now, during his sermon, one particular church member thought that this message sounded awfully familiar, but he could not place where he had heard it before. After the preacher finished and the service was concluded, the man asked the preacher where he got his material from that morning. The preacher opened his Bible and pointed to Jesus' sermon on the mount.

I think it is amazing how little "Christians" actually know about what Jesus taught while he was here on Earth. We all know about his miracles. I would be willing to bet that any regular church goer could list off at least three of Jesus' miracles without much thought. How many though, could tell you what Jesus thought about politics, history, people in general? What did Jesus say about the Law of Moses? Etc. Etc. Etc. . .

All this makes me wonder why when people claim to have a relationship with the living God, the God of the Universe, who walked through the pages of the Bible, they will not even take time out of their day to read what He actually said. In a way, it sickens me. I think that it is detestable to claim that you love God and have a relationship with Jesus Christ and have never once read for yourself what He, himself came all this way to teach us. I mean, really!